Gonna be checking the market every chance I get while pretending to think my brother-in-law's Cards Against Humanity answers are funny.
I used to be a real ad
More WallStreetBets Copypastas
Christmas for a wsb trader
As the tree blinks from white to red to green, you look at the void under the tree that previously held presents. Fewer this year than usual, but some.
How did you get here? Boredom? In March, you felt trapped with your wife and infant. You needed something to pass the time. Something you could throw yourself into fully.
āAre you coming to bed?ā your wife yells down the stairs. It seemed harmless at first, but as the pandemic drew on, so did your investment. Youāll stop soon, though. āSoon!ā you reply, and you hear her feet climb the steps.
The lights start to blink chaotically. You cringe because you could only afford the junk strands at CVS. Suddenly they haltāthe alternation feature brokenāon red. The red fills the room and covers your flesh. You look down at your hands, and they look like theyāre bleeding. Like your calls.
After a timeāhours?āyou realize youāre sitting in complete darkness. Your lights have expired, worthless.
WallStreetBets
Apple announces an EV program
Oh boy I can't wait until 2024 when I can wake up to my Apple Homepod Siri alarm and check my Apple Watch for notifications and take a shower in my Apple Big Douche then put my makeup on before work in my Apple Mirror then take my Apple Car to my job at Apple Phone Plant #584 so I can work on my Mac Pro workstation designing the latest Apple Product the iShit smart toilet that syncs with your iAsshole to sense when you have a massive log brewing in my large intestine and sends me a notification to my apple colonoscopy bag. Russian hackers will know what I had for dinner.
WallStreetBets
Cathie Wood owns 100% of palantir and 110% of Tesla
December 2021. Cathie Wood owns 100% of palantir and 110% of Tesla (Elon Musk invented a more efficient form of security). ARK ETFs are trading at minimum $1,000 a share and investors are signing 10-year pledges just for the privilege. I log on to my Tesla taxi app and order a car. A vintage Roadster pulls up with EDM playing at a tasteful volume.
"Where to, King?" asks the anime girl on the console. "You know where", I reply. Palantir knows.
We both laugh and the car takes off to Wendys.
WallStreetBets
Drunk at Applebees
I donāt care if thereās a microchip in the vaccine. Iād let them put a whole MacBook Pro inside of me if it meant I could get drunk at Applebees again
WallStreetBets
I'm buysexual
Iām buysexual, sometimes Iām a top (when I buy) and sometimes a bottom (when I sell)