I am beyond fucking angry right now. As I type this message I can physically feel my muscles tensing and my blood pressure rising. Why the fuck would you call me a "simp"? I've never even fucking watched The Simpsons. Not one fucking episode. I hope you retract that statement, because i'd never refer to you as a dick for not watching Dick and Dom in da Bungalow.
I used to be a real ad
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TIFU: Losing my Virginity to a Water Slide
So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.
Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.
At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.
While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that". So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.
Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!
Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.
Classic
My son got kicked out of school
twitchquotes:
My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl jerk him off in class. That's three schools now. Maybe teaching isn't for him. 
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Hey Kripp, you didnt give me recognition
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Kripp
Baconator Jr. really has my boyhood trembling
twitchquotes:
Christ Almighty, the Baconator Jr. really has my boyhood trembling. The crisp, Smokey bacon atop that seductive, square beef patty. What is there not to adore? And not to mention the smooth, melted cheese, and paired with fries and a frosty, you’ll be soaking through your chef’s apron in no time. Truly a masterpiece. A steamy, moist, delicious masterpiece.
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NairoMK
Sleeping naked is a power move anyways
Sleeping naked is a power move anyways.
• Burglar breaks in boom I’m up and naked. He’s too distracted trying to determine if I’m a man or woman because of my massive bush to notice me reaching for my glock fawty.
• When I pee or poop in my sleep from the nightmares I don’t get any clothes dirty just the sheets.
• Save money on not having to run an AC in the summer time so I can buy my wife more lingerie for her boyfriend to appreciate.