I would like to inform you that I busted a huge nut to your shot. My earth shattering orgasm started making me moan loud enough to deafen anyone in the near vicinity. What followed was a torrential downpour of every single sperm cell I ever have or will ever produce, shot out so hard that it ripped my dick apart by my übernut accelerating to 7% the speed of light by the time it left my urethra. The sheer weight of this historical nut, combined with the total destruction of everything in its path, caused my building to collapse, and every female in the city to fall pregnant with my children. As I lay dying under the rubble, I rest assured knowing every one of my sons will repeat this glorious act.
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RIP Joe the Spider
I know this is really stupid but I’m sad about it.
Yesterday I had a friend come over. I’m a girl who lives alone so I guess some “dude” stuff hasn’t been done around the house.
Context: I have a spider named joe. He’s a dandy long leg. He’s been my friend in the bathroom for months and had recently made his way down to closer by me by the tub instead of on the ceiling. I like to think I gained his trust.
Well my friend goes into the bathroom and comes out said “you’re welcome”. I’m super confused. So I ask “for what?” He says “I just killed a big ass spider for you”.
I couldn’t even contain myself. I just yelled “YOU KILLED JOE?!” And started tearing up. I didn’t tell him to leave Joe alone it never occurred to me. JOE TRUSTED ME. Joe had been in my bathroom since he was super tiny and he grew to be such a big boy.
My friend was distraught. He’s a Pisces, so he immediately felt my deep sorrow for Joe. He apologized and swore to never squish any more spiders at my house.
I think Joe was biologically female because there is a baby Joe. Baby Joe is on my ceiling but idk if I can gain Baby Joe’s trust after they witnessed the murder of their parental figure.
RIP Joe I miss you so much. Getting ready in the morning will never be the same.
1 MIL MEDICAL BILL NA
twitchquotes:
NA? KEKW GO TO STORE KEKW GET SHOT KEKW SURVIVE? KEKW 1 MIL MEDICAL BILL KEKW
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EU vs NA
i graduated top of my class from burger king
twitchquotes:
you fucking vegan, ill have you know i graduated top of my class from burger king university in burger flipping and have flipped over 9000 burgers in my day you dumb vegan, but you wouldn't know that would you you soy muncher? If you said that to my face I would be flipping patties all over your vegan face and you'd be full of my meat before you even knew what was happening.
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PepegaEZ
⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠰⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⠶⠤⠄⠄⣶⣶⣤⣀⣀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄
⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠻⣿⣿⣰⣿⣿⣿⣶⣬⠝⠻⢯⣥⣶⣶⠄⣀⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄
⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⢿⣿⣿⣿⡟⣫⠶⣚⣓⣒⠌⢛⡵⢋⣵⠶⢦⡀⠄⠄⠄
⠄⠄⠄⠄⢠⢒⣉⣑⠢⣾⣿⣿⣿⡟⢩⣾⣿⡿⠛⢿⣮⠱⣿⣿⠠⡄⠹⡄⠠⠤
⠄⠄⠄⠄⢻⣯⣶⣿⣿⣦⣙⠿⠿⠿⠆⠋⠉⠄⠄⠄⢠⡄⠄⠉⠄⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄
⠄⢀⣤⣾⣿⣿⣏⣭⣭⣿⣿⡆⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠼⣅⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣠
⠺⣿⣿⣿⢟⣵⡿⢿⣷⣮⡻⢿⣷⣦⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣵⣿⣿⣿⣮⣻⡿⠶⣚⠔⠄
⠄⠈⠻⣿⢸⣿⡕⣷⣬⡻⢿⣷⣬⣛⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⣛⣫⣥⠶⠛⠁⠄⠄
⠄⠄⠄⠈⠁⠻⢿⣮⡉⠉⠓⠶⣮⣭⣛⣛⣛⣛⣛⠛⠛⠉⠉⠄⣰⡿⠁⠄⠄⠄
⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠉⠓⠒⠠⣄⣉⣙⣛⣛⣋⣁⣠⠤⠴⠖⢟⡁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄
⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣨⣭⣭⠵⠶⠒⠉⠄⠄⠄⠈⠑⠢⡄⠄⠄
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Pepe
Kniferino to cut off your dongerino
twitchquotes:
ᴋʀɪᴘᴘ ᴛʜɪs ɪs ʜᴀғᴜ! ɪ ᴀᴍ ᴄᴏᴍɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴇsɢɴ ᴀs ᴡᴇʟʟ, ᴀɴᴅ ɢᴜᴇss ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪ ᴀᴍ ʙʀɪɴɢɪɴɢ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍᴇ? ᴀ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴋɴɪғᴇʀɪɴᴏ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴜᴛ ᴏғғ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴅᴏɴɢᴇʀɪɴᴏ ғᴏʀ ᴄʜᴇᴀᴛɪɴɢ ᴏɴ ᴍᴇ! ɪғ ɪ sᴇᴇ ᴀ sᴜᴄᴄᴜʙᴜs ᴡɪᴛʜ ʏᴏᴜ ɪ ᴀᴍ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ sᴛᴀʀᴛ ᴅᴀᴛɪɴɢ ᴛʀᴜᴍᴘ! ᴅᴏɴᴛ ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ᴍᴇ ᴅᴏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜ. ᴘʟᴢ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ʙᴀᴄᴋ.
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Kripp