[Copypasta] Annoying Lit mobile YouTube ad

twitchquotes: So lit mobile just sent me this solar wireless battery pack, I'm excited, lets see whats inside. I really like the build its got really nice grips on the side, its shock proof, and water resistant. The power bank has 20,000 milliamps which can fully charge your phone up to eight times. Its also got a convenient loop for carrying. on the back of the device we have a bunch of solar panels which can charge the battery bank in about 60 minutes. On the top of the device, there are 3 usb ports and 2 of them are fast charging. If you hit the power button 2 times, the led light comes on. If you hit the power button once, the led lights will tell you how much battery you have. There's a micro usb port on the side for fast charging. My favorite part of this device is that it charges my phone wirelessly. there's a red light indicator at the top to let you know that your phone is charging.
twitch chat
May 2020
I used to be a real ad
More Copypastas

If, according to Kanye West

If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen, does that mean one good girl is worth $8.33? Well, $8.35 in Canada. In Thailand, $8.33 is about 275 Baht. 275 Baht will get you a skanky one in a Thai brothel. If you want a really good hooker, it'll cost you at least 2000 Baht, or about $61.00. So in Thailand a good woman is worth $61.00 or $732 a dozen. Yes. However to further this, according to 2Pac Mo' Money= Mo' Bitches If you divide out Mo', you will see that money=bitches Therefore, 1000 moneys= one good girl. To extrapolate further, diving with respect to "money" yields 1 money = $0.00833 This changes everything, because money isn't worth hardly anything. True. A linear relationship between money and bitches means the equation relating money to them is in the form of y=ax+b, where x is money and y is bitches. Consulting the Lil Wayne theorem, if 12 bitches are worth $0.10, then one is $0.0083. Therefore we know that the equation 1=a(.0083)+b must hold true and so must 12=a(.1)+b. To find the equation relating money to bitches must have "a" and "b" values which satisfy the two previous equations. Since "Mo'" implies a positive linear relation, we know "a" must be positive. I have done the math for you and found that a=119.96 and b=.0043. So, (Bitches)=119.96(Money) + .0043. To find the number of good girls you get from an amount of money, simply divide the number of bitches by 1000 (because of the Kanye West Theorem). No but biggie said mo' money= mo' problems so money=problems and since mo' money mo' bitches, we can see that bitches=problems Well one must first consult the "50 Cent Law": "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems". Here we see that the amount of money is proportionate to the number of problems. Then one must factor one of the basic rules of the "The Carter Theorem" : "I got 99 problem but a bitch ain't one". Here we see that without a "bitch" the average person will have exactly 99 problems. Therefore the formula must be applied: (current amount of money) (8.33) / ln[(Problems100-1 ) (current amount of money)]bitches = worth of bitch Unfortunately this formula only tells us the value "a bitch" which as we know is only worth one monies Therefore you must apply [(worth of said prostitute) (problems) * (money-8.33)] + 1 / 1000 = The value of a good girl. Hope this helps. Yeah. No. That's not how math works. 2pac was merely stating that the derivative of Money in terms of Bitches is strictly positive. More-over, he skipped a lot of steps in his proof and never formally published the full version. I bet you believed Fermat's margins really were too small as well, right? Imperial bitches is actually a unit of weight. An imperial one is ~111.1111111112 pounds (Also known as a feminist) Theres one fundamental law of math that Lil'Wayne forgot to include in his calculations. We have to follow the law of "bitches ain't shit" theorized by doctor dre himself. With that principal included we can work out that if bitches aint shit, and a good girl is worth 1,000 bitches, a good girl is still not worth shit. You're forgetting that Jay-Z published his paper on the "Money Ain't A Thang" theory. Therefore if bitches aren't worth shit then bitches aren't money and so therefore they ARE, in fact, a "Thang". Is that the transitive property of bitches? Is it possible that for every bitch, there is an equal and opposite good girl? That doesn't make sense though because kanye said a good girl is worth one thousand bitches. The economics don't make sense. Newton or kanye is wrong. They cannot both apply their laws to bitches I think the important part here is, are we assuming that there is 1 good girl for every 1000 bitches. This is a very scary thought. 1/1000 females is a good girl and the other 999 are bitches. To me this would make my $8.33 a very good investment. I paid at least $3000 for my wife's wedding ring. Could I have bought 360 good girls in stead of 1 good girl? B/c I can't help but feel like I have overpaid for my good girl according to the genius of Kanye West and Little Weezy F. Baby. Don't get me wrong, I love my good girl wife, but I feel duped knowing she may have only been worth 8 bucks instead of 3000 It actually depends on they type of women. If it is a bakers daughter it is less since the sample size is actually larger I.E. a bakers dozen (13) so: (.10/13)x1000=$7.69 ...0r $9.69 Canadian (not counting the maple syrup) How much candy you can buy for $8.33? We can conclude that 1 bitch is worth approximately 0.83c, but since bitches are of negative value it's actually -0.83c. This means that in order to get the correct positive value of a good girl there needs to be an exponential factor involved here. In order to evaluate the amount of good girls needed to offset the bitches you use the simple formula -0.0083B2 = G. This intuitively makes sense when you think about how the more bitches you have around you the exponentially higher value even a single good girl has. So when B=1000 we get: G = -0.0083(1000)2 = $68.89 Interestingly enough, if the entire female population of the US, let's say 150 million for simplicity, were bitches, the worth of one good girl would then be $1,550,025,000,000 which is just over the total USD currently in circulation.
March 2022

Hi Tyler, Cakeyler here

twitchquotes: hello tyler this is your abomination of a child, cakeyler. ever since you brought me into this world i have known nothing but pain due to my horrible mutations caused by the way you birthed me. every moment of my life is constant agony and this has made me pure toxic cakeyler. anyone who eats me will die except for you of course my father. feed me to your enemies or to anyone who is not as toxic as yourself. i love you and the damage we can do together. cakeyler signing out.
twitch chat
June 2016
Tyler1

Tragedy of Angela “Mercy” Ziegler the Healer

twitchquotes: I thought not. It's not a story the Blizzard Devs would tell you. It's an Overwatch legend. Angela Ziegler was the main healer of Overwatch, so powerful and so skilled she could use her rapid healing to influence the human body to create life... She had such a knowledge of healing that she could even keep the ones she cared about from dying. The Zürich PHD is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. She became so powerful... the only thing she was afraid of was losing her power, which eventually, of course, she did. Unfortunately, she taught Jeff Kaplan everything she knew, then her developers nerfed her in her sleep. Ironic, she could save others from death, but not herself.
twitch chat
February 2018

Tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise

Overwatch

Great Music, Extremely Handsome, Must be Reynad

twitchquotes: (◕‿◕✿) Great Music (◕‿◕✿) Extremely Handsome (◕‿◕✿) Innovative Decks (◕‿◕✿) High Level Gameplay (◕‿◕✿) Moderately Sized Forehead (◕‿◕✿) Great Personality (◕‿◕✿) Large Donger (◕‿◕✿) Must be Reynad (◕‿◕✿)
twitch chat
November 2016
Reynad

AITA for not telling my wife about all the hitchhikers I killed in the 70s?

Back when I (68M) was a young and dumb twenty-something, I spent a few carefree years in Southern California raping, torturing, and murdering hitchhikers. I don't want any judgement from SJWs about this, please, if you didn't live in Cali in the 1970s, you wouldn't understand. It was just what we did back in those days. Eventually I grew up, got married, had three beautiful kids, and was content to just get off to my trophies and polaroids, and maybe kill the occasional drifter on special occasions. The other day, my wife (37F) found the hidden panel in my basement wall where I keep all the old memories, and she went ballistic. I tried to calm her down, explained that, firstly, they were all dudes, so she shouldn't exactly be getting jealous. Second, they're all dead, so it's not like she's going to have to worry about me leaving her for any of them. Third, there were like three or four other guys doing the same thing around then, and they took the credit for most of my kills. I was very careful, covered my tracks, rarely finished inside them. I don't know why she's got her knickers in such a twist. Quite frankly, I'm feeling really hurt about the whole thing. We've been together for nearly thirty years, and she's thinking about leaving me over something like this? Maybe I should have been more honest, but I was raised to see this as men's business, not something you involve your old lady in. Am I the asshole?
August 2021

AITA

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