[Copypasta] Apology letter from the condom factory

twitchquotes: What in the actual rainbows is wrong with your brain? Did you IQ test return with negative results or something? I’m getting closer and closer to believing that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. Jesus Christ. Love the content keep it up.
twitch chat
December 2020
(▀̿Ĺ̯├┬┴┬┴ Psst... kid, you wanna disable adblock?
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Cybrix's voice

twitchquotes: Ｄｅａｒ Ｃｙｂｒｉｘ， Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ｂｅｅｎ ｓｅｖｅｒｅｌｙ ｄｅｐｒｅｓｓｅｄ ｏｖｅｒ ｔｈｅ ｌａｓｔ ｍｏｎｔｈ ａｎｄ ｈａｖｅ ｃｏｎｔｅｍｐｌａｔｅｄ ｓｕｉｃｉｄｅ． Ａｆｔｅｒ ｈｅａｒｉｎｇ ｙｏｕｒ ｖｏｉｃｅ， Ｉ ｎｏｗ ｒｅａｌｉｚｅ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ｎｏｔｈｉｎｇ ｌｅｆｔ ｔｏ ｌｉｖｅ ｆｏｒ ａｎｄ ｗｉｌｌ ｋｉｌｌ ｍｙｓｅｌｆ ｔｈｉｓ ｗｅｅｋ．．．． Ｔｈａｎｋｓ ｆｏｒ ｍａｋｉｎｇ ｍｙ ｄｅｃｉｓｉｏｎ ｓｏ ｅａｓｙ OpieOP
twitch chat
June 2014
Kripp

Why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911

Ok, this has been driving me crazy for seven movies now, and I know you're going to roll your eyes, but hear me out: Harry Potter should have carried a 1911. Here's why: Think about how quickly the entire WWWIII (Wizarding-World War III) would have ended if all of the good guys had simply armed up with good ol' American hot lead. Basilisk? Let's see how tough it is when you shoot it with a .470 Nitro Express. Worried about its Medusa-gaze? Wear night vision goggles. The image is light-amplified and re-transmitted to your eyes. You aren't looking at it--you're looking at a picture of it. Imagine how epic the first movie would be if Harry had put a breeching charge on the bathroom wall, flash-banged the hole, and then went in wearing NVGs and a Kevlar-weave stab-vest, carrying a SPAS-12. And have you noticed that only Europe seems to a problem with Deatheaters? Maybe it's because Americans have spent the last 200 years shooting deer, playing GTA: Vice City, and keeping an eye out for black helicopters over their compounds. Meanwhile, Brits have been cutting their steaks with spoons. Remember: gun-control means that Voldemort wins. God made wizards and God made muggles, but Samuel Colt made them equal. Now I know what you're going to say: "But a wizard could just disarm someone with a gun!" Yeah, well they can also disarm someone with a wand (as they do many times throughout the books/movies). But which is faster: saying a spell or pulling a trigger? Avada Kedavra, meet Avtomat Kalashnikova. Imagine Harry out in the woods, wearing his invisibility cloak, carrying a .50bmg Barrett, turning Deatheaters into pink mist, scratching a lightning bolt into his rifle stock for each kill. I don't think Madam Pomfrey has any spells that can scrape your brains off of the trees and put you back together after something like that. Voldemort's wand may be 13.5 inches with a Phoenix-feather core, but Harry's would be 0.50 inches with a tungsten core. Let's see Voldy wave his at 3,000 feet per second. Better hope you have some Essence of Dittany for that sucking chest wound. I can see it now...Voldemort roaring with evil laughter and boasting to Harry that he can't be killed, since he is protected by seven Horcruxes, only to have Harry give a crooked grin, flick his cigarette butt away, and deliver what would easily be the best one-liner in the entire series: "Well then I guess it's a good thing my 1911 holds 7+1." And that is why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.
August 2021

xqcTOS (emote)

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⣤⣤⣤⣤⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣤⣤⣤⣤⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠉⠉⠉⠙⠛⠛⠛⠁⠀⠘⠛⠛⠿⠿⠛⠛⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⠀⠀⢀⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⡀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⠉⢻⣿⣿⠛⠋⠀⠀⣿⡟⠛⠛⠻⣿⡇⠀⣿⣿⠿⠛⠛⠿⠇⠀⠀ ⢠⣶⣦⡀⠀⠀⠘⣿⡿⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⣿⠁⠀⢿⣿⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⣸⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⣿⡆⠀⠸⠿⠿⠿⢿⣿⡆⠀⠀ ⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⢀⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣿⡇⠀⠀ ⣿⣿⣿⣇⠀⠀⠸⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⣷⣤⣤⣴⣿⡇⠀⠀⢤⣤⣶⣾⣿⠀⠀⠀ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣀⣀⡀⠈⠉⠉⠉⢉⣩⣤⣄⣀⣀⣉⠉⠉⠁⠀⠀⠀ ⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣀⣁⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡀⠀ ⠘⣻⣿⣿⣿⣦⣄⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠉⠉⠉⠛⠛⠛⠉⠉⠉⠉⠙⠛⠛⠛⠟⠃⠀ ⢿⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣶⣾⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠀⠀⠀ ⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠛⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠉⠉⢛⣿⣄⠈⠛⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠿⠟⠛⠛⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠤⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣷⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
ascii art
June 2021
xQcOW

SCP Jerma

Item #: SCP-985-J Object Class: Euclid Special Contain Procedures: SCP-985-J must be kept in a standard humanoid containment cell decorated to look like an average American household with a live video feed. SCP-985-J must be fed BrainFluud once every 6 hours for sustenance. Personnel assigned to SCP-985-J must refrain from using the words "Short Streamer" "Late" "Loud Pee" and "Bald" as this can agitate SCP-985-J, causing it to enter an enraged state. SCP-985-J is allowed access to one (1) Garfield comic strip per day for entertainment. Description: SCP-985-J is a 32 year old Caucasian male from Boston, MA. SCP-985-J refers to itself as "Jeremy Elbertson" and believes itself to be much taller than it appears to others, referring to itself as being "not tiny" and "compact". SCP-985-J was discovered by the Foundation on ██/██/201█ when footage emerged of it attacking and killing [DATA EXPUNGED]. MTF Gamma-43 ("Anti-Jerms") was dispatched to secure the anomaly and all civilians who had viewed the footage were amnesticized.
January 2022
Jerma985

Bald Kurum

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠈⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠈⠈⠈⠈⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⠈⠄⢀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠻⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⠈⠎⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠠⣻ ⣿⣿⣯⢰⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠿⠛⠻⠻⠻⢿⣿⣧⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⣾ ⣿⡿⢿⡀⠄⠄⠈⠉⠻⠋⣧⠄⢀⠈⠉⠈⢀⣀⣤⣤⠄⠄⣀⣴⡦⣨⢻ ⣿⣧⣤⣭⡄⠄⠄⠄⣴⣦⢙⣿⣦⣼⣶⡿⣼⣿⣿⣿⡇⠄⣿⢻⣿⣯⣿ ⣿⣿⣝⣿⠏⢀⠄⢰⣿⣿⣿⣦⣭⣭⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢵⣿⣿⣿⢿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⠄⠄⠈⠉⠓⠺⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⡥⣬⣿⣿⠋⣾⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣆⠄⠁⠄⠄⣊⣊⣐⣀⠄⢹⣿⣿⠿⢣⣲⣴⣿⣿⠄⠄⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⠄⠄⠈⣍⣭⣿⣿⡟⠈⠁⢲⣡⡤⡙⢾⢿⣿⣶⣶⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⠄⠄⠈⠿⠟⠟⠉⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢠⣲⣿⣿⣿⡻⢿⣿
ascii art
February 2021
Kurumx

Teamfight Tactics

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