[Copypasta] I dream of becoming a carrot

In Korea, heart surgeon

Number one. Steady hand. One day, Kim Jong Un need new heart. I do operation. But mistake! Kim Jong Un die! SSD very mad! I hide fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret. I kill Kim Jong Un on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!

April 2021

Classic

Natalie Portman is the reason I work out

Natalie Portman is the reason I work out. I have this fantasy where we start talking at the Vanity Fair Oscars party bar. We exchange a few pleasantries. She asks what I do. I say I loved her in New Girl. She laughs. I get my drink. "Well, see ya," I say and walk away. I've got her attention now. How many guys voluntarily leave a conversation with Natalie Portman? She touches her neck as she watches me leave. Later, as the night's dragged on and the coterie of gorgeous narcissists grows increasingly loose, she finds me on the balcony, my bowtie undone, smoking a cigarette. "Got a spare?" she asks. "What's in it for me?" I say as I hand her one of my little white ladies. She smiles. "Conversation with me, duh." I laugh. "What's so funny?" she protests. "Nothing, nothing... It's just... don't you grow tired of the egos?" "You get used to it," she says, lighting her cigarette and handing me back the lighter. "What would you do if you weren't an actress?" I ask. "Teaching, I think." "And if I was your student, what would I be learning?" "Discipline," she says quickly, looking up into my eyes, before changing the subject. "Where are you from?" "Bermuda," I say. "Oh wow. That's lovely." "It's ok," I admit. "Not everything is to my liking." "What could possibly be not to your liking in Bermuda?" she inquires. "I don't like sand," I tell her. "It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere."

January 2021

Classic

What could possibly be that washed up?

twitchquotes: Hey QT, my family just got back from Hawaii. We noticed this obese life form washed up on shore. We walked over to see what could possibly be that washed up. My brother poked it with a stick and it twitched and said "wow that actually fuckin killed me" wonder what it could be?

twitch chat

June 2019

imaqtpie

Classic

League of Legends

Mic Muted

░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ ░░░░░░░░█▄░▄█░█░█▀▀░░░░░░░ ░░░░░░░░█░▀░█░█░█░░░░░░░░░ ░░░░░░░░▀░░░▀░▀░▀▀▀░░░░░░░ ░░█▄░▄█░█░░█░▀█▀░█▀▀░█▀▄░░ ░░█░▀░█░█░░█░░█░░█▀▀░█░█░░ ░░▀░░░▀░▀▀▀▀░░▀░░▀▀▀░▀▀░░░

ascii art

March 2015

Classic

Honestly, that's what I call a cool story bro

twitchquotes: Honestly, that's what I call a cool story bro. Such a riveting tale, I honestly copy and pasted it to word, saved on my hard drive, backed it up on a jump drive, drove to the bank, put the jump drive in the safe deposit box, and will leave it there until my kids turn about 12 (when they can actually state their age, and ask what it is I'm showing them), when I will pick it up, put it in an old USB drive reader and relay this cool story to them and tell them, "kids, this is what a cool story should look and sound like...not like the stories your generation tells.

twitch chat

April 2020

[Copypasta] I dream of becoming a carrot

Classic

Classic

In Korea, heart surgeon

Classic

Natalie Portman is the reason I work out

Classic

What could possibly be that washed up?

Classic

League of Legends

Mic Muted

Classic

Honestly, that's what I call a cool story bro

Classic

Confirm Subscription