[Copypasta] Meet the Engineer TF2

twitchquotes: Hey look buddy, I'm an engineer. That means I solve problems, not problems like "What is beauty?" Because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy. I solve practical problems, for instance: how am I going to stop some mean mother Hubbard from tearing me a structurally superfluous be-hind? The answer, use a gun, and if that don't work... Use more gun. Take for instance this heavy caliber tripod mounted lil' old number designed by me, built by me, and you best hope... Not pointed at you.
twitch chat
June 2019
I used to be a real ad
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Is buttcheeks one word

twitchquotes: Hey [streamer name], it's Ashley Jones from secondary school. I remember you were the best English student back in the day so I figured I would hop in the stream to ask you a question for the GMAT. Is buttcheeks one word, or should I spread them?
twitch chat
May 2021

I feel bad for cumming on my turtle

March 2021

NSFW

spagootie

sometimes i like to pronounce spaghetti as "spagootie" and it has been working out fantastically so far. honestly, this single change has improved my life more than you could ever imagine. i highly suggest everyone try this out and see where your life goes. probably make all your dreams come true in like 5 business days. next time you have a big bowl of piping hot marina drenched pasta in front of you say "spagootie time!!" or maybe something like "im so ready for this spagootie!" and see where the magic will take you.
April 2022

Disabled sign

⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯⣯ ⣯⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣯⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⢻⣧⣏⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇ ⣏⣧⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣯⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣇⣧⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣯ ⣧⣏⣇⣇⣇⣧⣧⣯⣯⡀⠀⠀⣤⣶⣿⣧⣏⣏⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇ ⣯⣯⣇⣧⣯⠛⠉⣿⣇⣇⠀⠀⣯⣏⣇⣇⣧⣧⣇⣧⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣏ ⣯⣯⠟⠁⠀⠀⣤⣿⣧⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇ ⣯⠋⠀⠀⣴⣿⣇⣧⣯⣯⠀⠀⢰⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣇⣏⣏⣧⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇⣇ ⡏⠀⠀⣾⣯⣯⣏⣧⣏⣯⠀⠀⠈⠋⠋⠋⠋⠋⠋⠋⠋⠋⣯⣧⣧⣇⣇⣇⣧⣇ ⡂⠀⠀⣇⣧⣯⣧⣇⣇⣯⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣄⠀⠀⢫⣧⣏⣇⣇⣧⣇ ⣧⠀⠀⣿⣇⣯⣏⣯⣇⣇⣧⣏⣏⣇⣧⣧⣏⡏⠙⣧⣏⣦⠀⠀⠻⣧⣇⣇⣏⣇ ⣏⣄⠀⠈⢿⣧⣇⣇⣇⣇⣧⣏⣏⣏⣏⣯⠋⠀⠀⣼⣧⣯⣷⠀⠀⠙⣯⠏⢻⣏ ⣯⣏⣦⠀⠀⠈⠛⢿⣇⣧⣇⣧⣇⠟⠋⠀⠀⢀⣾⣇⣧⣇⣯⣿⡀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣿ ⣇⣇⣇⣏⣶⣤⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣤⣾⣯⣯⣯⣧⣧⣧⣇⣏⣦⣮⣮⣮⣮
ascii art
January 2021

Why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911

Ok, this has been driving me crazy for seven movies now, and I know you're going to roll your eyes, but hear me out: Harry Potter should have carried a 1911. Here's why: Think about how quickly the entire WWWIII (Wizarding-World War III) would have ended if all of the good guys had simply armed up with good ol' American hot lead. Basilisk? Let's see how tough it is when you shoot it with a .470 Nitro Express. Worried about its Medusa-gaze? Wear night vision goggles. The image is light-amplified and re-transmitted to your eyes. You aren't looking at it--you're looking at a picture of it. Imagine how epic the first movie would be if Harry had put a breeching charge on the bathroom wall, flash-banged the hole, and then went in wearing NVGs and a Kevlar-weave stab-vest, carrying a SPAS-12. And have you noticed that only Europe seems to a problem with Deatheaters? Maybe it's because Americans have spent the last 200 years shooting deer, playing GTA: Vice City, and keeping an eye out for black helicopters over their compounds. Meanwhile, Brits have been cutting their steaks with spoons. Remember: gun-control means that Voldemort wins. God made wizards and God made muggles, but Samuel Colt made them equal. Now I know what you're going to say: "But a wizard could just disarm someone with a gun!" Yeah, well they can also disarm someone with a wand (as they do many times throughout the books/movies). But which is faster: saying a spell or pulling a trigger? Avada Kedavra, meet Avtomat Kalashnikova. Imagine Harry out in the woods, wearing his invisibility cloak, carrying a .50bmg Barrett, turning Deatheaters into pink mist, scratching a lightning bolt into his rifle stock for each kill. I don't think Madam Pomfrey has any spells that can scrape your brains off of the trees and put you back together after something like that. Voldemort's wand may be 13.5 inches with a Phoenix-feather core, but Harry's would be 0.50 inches with a tungsten core. Let's see Voldy wave his at 3,000 feet per second. Better hope you have some Essence of Dittany for that sucking chest wound. I can see it now...Voldemort roaring with evil laughter and boasting to Harry that he can't be killed, since he is protected by seven Horcruxes, only to have Harry give a crooked grin, flick his cigarette butt away, and deliver what would easily be the best one-liner in the entire series: "Well then I guess it's a good thing my 1911 holds 7+1." And that is why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.
August 2021
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