Guys, I’m literally detecting seismic activity. I never wanted to rock with anyone more than I want to with Carl. That perfect, chiseled body. Those bountiful hills. The majestic mountains of a literal god. It honestly fucking hurts knowing that I'll never rock with him, pass my sediment through him, and have him birth a set of perfect hot springs. I'd do fricking ANYTHING for the chance to get Carl’s rocks off. A N Y T H I N G. And the fact that I can't is quite honestly too much to fricking bear. Why would Supercell create something so perfect? To fricking tantalize us? Fricking laugh in our faces?! Honestly guys, I just fricking can't anymore. Frick.
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TIFU: Losing my Virginity to a Water Slide
So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.
Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.
At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.
While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that". So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.
Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!
Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.
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Pornhub's message to Kripp
twitchquotes:
Ｈｅｌｌｏ Ｋｒｉｐｐ， ｔｈｉｓ ｉｓ ｔｈｅ ａｄｍｉｎｉｓｔｒａｔｏｒ ｏｆ ＰｏｒｎＨｕｂ™ ｗｅ ｈａｖｅ ｎｏｔｉｃｅｄ ｙｏｕ ｈａｖｅｎ’ｔ ｌｏｇｇｅｄ ｉｎ ｆｏｒ ２ ｗｅｅｋｓ， ｗｅ’ｒｅ ｊｕｓｔ ｃｈｅｃｋｉｎｇ ｔｏ ｓｅｅ ｉｆ ｅｖｅｒｙｔｈｉｎｇ ｉｓ ｏｋａｙ ａｎｄ ｗｅ’ｖｅ ｐｒｅｐａｒｅｄ ｙｏｕ ａ ｌｉｓｔ ｏｆ ｖｉｄｅｏｓ ｆｒｏｍ ｙｏｕｒ ｆａｖｏｕｒｉｔｅ ｃａｔｅｇｏｒｙ （Ａｓｉａｎ）． Ｓｅｅ ｙｏｕ ｓｏｏｎ！
twitch chat
Kripp
Sorry, I've dropped my DREADSTEED DECK
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♞ ♘ ♞ ♘ ♞ ♘ ♞ ♘ Sorry, I've dropped my DREADSTEED DECK ♞ ♘ ♞ ♘ ♞ ♘ ♞ ♘♞ ♘ ♞ ♘ ♞ ♘ ♞ ♘ Sorry, I've dropped my DREADSTEED DECK ♞ ♘ ♞ ♘ ♞ ♘ ♞ ♘
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Kripp
Hearthstone
RNGesus pounds Reynad's sweet, supple orifice relentlessly
twitchquotes:
Hello fair maiden Reynad, this is the valiant knight Sir Coppus Pastaronus. I have come to rescue you from the mystical Tower of Salt, where the cruel innkeeper RNGesus has pounded your sweet, supple orifice relentlessly to the beat of Lord 
Please no paste.
Please no paste.
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Reynad