[Copypasta] There's no reason to have a Dad Bod when push ups exist

There's no reason to have a Dad Bod when push ups exist. I'm always finding time to crank out a few p-ups. Ahh yep, I do maybe a thousand p-ups a day and I'm a father of two. Those nerds coloring with crayons? Time to squeeze in a few p-ups. Little dorks eating mac and cheese? It's p-up time. I'm like a leathered marble statue of a really muscular guy, my muscles are so tight and rugged. Hell, I took a p-up break while typing this comment. The ladies at work, these little work ladies, love when I crank out p-ups right there in front of them and come up off the floor red faced and with a sizeable bulge in my slacks. That bulge is unrelated to the p-ups, by the way, I'm just a guy who's always one hard nipple poking through a shirt away from a full meat platter. Hell, I'd cheat on my wife with one of these little work ladies if she wasn't one of the little work ladies I work with. We bone in the bathroom. I get jacked on p-ups and then we bone in the bathroom and there's nothing my boss can do about it because my vascularity is way too intimidating. I tell him he should do some p-ups if he wants to fuck my wife. It's the only way she gets that slizz juiced and loosed. She wants to see multitudinous p-ups and she wants to see those p-ups now! Whoops! Haha, okay, looks like she's watching me type this over my shoulder. Uh oh. See ya later, nerdbags. I'm gonna p-ups myself up to a full plumper and pump that honey ham rump of my little work lady wife.
April 2021
I used to be a real ad
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I'm shaking. I'm fucking shaking (Nolan Grayson)

I'm shaking. I'm fucking shaking. I never wanted to breed with anyone more than I want to with Nolan Grayson. That perfect, shredded body. The perfectly trimmed mustache. The planet conquering skills of a literal god. It honestly fucking hurts knowing that I'll never mate with him, have him pass his genes through me, and have me birth a set of perfect offspring. I'd do fucking ANYTHING for the chance for Nolan Grayson to get me pregnant. A N Y T H I N G. And the fact that I can't is quite honestly too much to fucking bear. Why would Robert Kirkman create something so perfect? To fucking tantalize us? Fucking laugh in our faces?! Honestly, I just fucking can't anymore. Fuck.
June 2021

LilZ

โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–„โ–„โ–€โ–€โ–ˆโ–€โ–€โ–€โ–€โ–€โ–„โ–„โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘ โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–„โ–€โ–“โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–ˆโ–„โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘ โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–„โ–ˆโ–“โ–“โ–“โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–ˆโ–€โ–„โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘ โ–‘โ–‘โ–„โ–€โ–ˆโ–Œโ–“โ–“โ–“โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–โ–Œโ–“โ–€โ–„โ–‘โ–‘ โ–‘โ–ˆโ–“โ–“โ–ˆโ–Œโ–“โ–„โ–„โ–“โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–„โ–„โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–ˆโ–“โ–“โ–€โ–„โ–‘ โ–„โ–€โ–“โ–“โ–ˆโ–Œโ–“โ–€โ–ˆโ–“โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–ˆโ–“โ–€โ–’โ–„โ–Œโ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–ˆ โ–ˆโ–“โ–“โ–“โ–„โ–€โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–“โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–Œโ–“โ–“โ–“โ–ˆ โ–€โ–„โ–“โ–“โ–ˆโ–‘โ–€โ–“โ–“โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–‘โ–„โ–Œโ–“โ–“โ–ˆโ–‘ โ–‘โ–ˆโ–“โ–“โ–“โ–ˆโ–‘โ–“โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–’โ–’โ–’โ–‘โ–‘โ–ˆโ–“โ–“โ–“โ–ˆโ–‘ โ–‘โ–€โ–„โ–“โ–“โ–ˆโ–‘โ–โ–‘โ–‘โ–„โ–„โ–ˆโ–ˆโ–ˆโ–„โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–€โ–„โ–€โ–‘โ–‘ โ–‘โ–‘โ–€โ–„โ–„โ–€โ–‘โ–โ–‘โ–‘โ–ˆโ–ˆโ–ˆโ–ˆโ–ˆโ–€โ–‘โ–‘โ–„โ–€โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘ โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–€โ–‘โ–‘โ–€โ–ˆโ–ˆโ–€โ–‘โ–„โ–€โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘โ–‘
ascii art
November 2014

It's Team Rocket COPYPASTE!

twitchquotes: It's spamming at you loud and clear. Through the Chat! Past the mods! In your ear! Bringing chaos at a breakneck pace. Dodging bans, putting spam in its place. A troll by any other name is just as sweet. When everything's worse, our work is complete. Copy! Paste! Putting the Twitch admins in their place... It's Team Rocket COPYPASTE!
twitch chat
March 2019

Failed Tanner

twitchquotes: So you're going by "moonmoon_ow" now buddy? Haha what's up cool guy, it's Tanner from Highschool. Remember me? I'm so sorry me and the guys gave you a hard time in school. My therapist says I was jealous of your big brain, lol. I can see not much has changed. Remember Sarah the girl you had a crush on? We married but divorced this year. She took the dog. I'm unemployed and I drive the same mustang GT from senior year. I'm lucky if its starts. Things really changed huh? Could you loan me a sub?
twitch chat
August 2019

Tanner from High School

The LoL player couldn't deny

twitchquotes: A Dota player and a LoL player walks into a bar. The Dota gamer turns around to the LoL gamer saying, "LoL sucks!" The LoL player couldn't deny. BrokeBack
twitch chat
March 2016

Dota 2

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