[Copypasta] There's no reason to have a Dad Bod when push ups exist

There's no reason to have a Dad Bod when push ups exist. I'm always finding time to crank out a few p-ups. Ahh yep, I do maybe a thousand p-ups a day and I'm a father of two. Those nerds coloring with crayons? Time to squeeze in a few p-ups. Little dorks eating mac and cheese? It's p-up time. I'm like a leathered marble statue of a really muscular guy, my muscles are so tight and rugged. Hell, I took a p-up break while typing this comment. The ladies at work, these little work ladies, love when I crank out p-ups right there in front of them and come up off the floor red faced and with a sizeable bulge in my slacks. That bulge is unrelated to the p-ups, by the way, I'm just a guy who's always one hard nipple poking through a shirt away from a full meat platter. Hell, I'd cheat on my wife with one of these little work ladies if she wasn't one of the little work ladies I work with. We bone in the bathroom. I get jacked on p-ups and then we bone in the bathroom and there's nothing my boss can do about it because my vascularity is way too intimidating. I tell him he should do some p-ups if he wants to fuck my wife. It's the only way she gets that slizz juiced and loosed. She wants to see multitudinous p-ups and she wants to see those p-ups now! Whoops! Haha, okay, looks like she's watching me type this over my shoulder. Uh oh. See ya later, nerdbags. I'm gonna p-ups myself up to a full plumper and pump that honey ham rump of my little work lady wife.
April 2021
(▀̿Ĺ̯├┬┴┬┴ Psst... kid, you wanna disable adblock?
More Copypastas

"Why does chat hate me?" Cybrix wonders

twitchquotes: Pizza. Pizza. The chat's hurtful words haunt Cybrix at night as he sleeps on his bed of bagel bites. "Why does chat hate me?" he wonders. One day he gets on Mumble and finds the chat no longer hates him. Because it turns out even an obese pizzabator is more tolerable than Rick.
twitch chat
October 2014
Kripp

AITA for invading Ukraine?

Using my alt account because of personal reasons. So anyway, I[69M(literally)] am a high government official of a country with a strong military. Anyway, I am clinically diagnosed with Invasiontia[for anyone who doesn't know it's meaning, it basically means my mind forces me to invade countries, very few people are diagnosed with it(like Adolf Hitler), so i guess it makes me quirky uwu], so i really can't be the one to blame. I do what i like, usually, but people often judge me for living my life on my own terms. My distant relative, who has a history of playing fortnite and being antivax, being a furry, pedophile, and being a baby yoda hater called me today and abused me verbally, and told me what i was doing was wrong. I was heartbroken by their words. Not only that, Emily[She/They 13 diagnosed with 255 mental illnesses] made a really mean tweet against me today. She compared me to Hitler (I know Hitler and I have the same mental illness, but it doesn't mean I am as much of an asshole like he is, right?). All this negativity is severely affecting my mental health(i come from a country where mental health isn't given a lot of importance and also my country isn't very supportive of gay people), and i am now contemplating suicide by shooting myself in the head. Everyone thinks i am an asshole, what do you think reddit? AITA?
March 2022

Am I The Asshole?

Russian Ukrainian War

Kog'Maw's passive

twitchquotes: Hi Imaqtpie. I noticed that in your games you utilize Kog’Maws passive A LOT, but when I watch LCS players I see them go an ENTIRE teamfight without using their passive even ONCE. Are they playing the champion to its full potential or are you?
twitch chat
April 2015
imaqtpie

Classic

League of Legends

We Live In A Society

We Live In A Society in which us Gamers are ridiculed, mocked, shunned, bullied and ridiculed for simply choosing to undertake a hobby which requires critical thinking, lightning-fast reflexes and JUST AN OUNCE (in case you can’t tell, that is an understatement) more brainpower than what is required your typical ball game. However, females, in their backwards and downright unreasonable thinking, see us as bottom-dwelling, subhuman freaks and would rather settle for the bottom line of evolution, aka jocks (or “Chad”). In order for Our Society to progress, this mindset must be completely eradicated and us Gamers, with our genetic high intelligence, impeccable combat knowledge and indescribable reasoning skills, must be allowed to impregnate females of our choosing with our seed. If this current course continues, humanity as a whole will be plagued with low-IQ specimens and unsatisfactory evolutionary progress. Do you think that extraterrestrial, intellectuals beings will look upon us as a species, no, as a SOCIETY, to be communed with, to be seen as EQUALS, if our highest evolutionary success is measured by how far you can throw a ball? Don’t make me laugh, sir. Aside from your basic genetic and evolutionary advantages to be gained by having females (of our choosing) breed with us Gamers, we can also assure that they will be treated like the Goddesses that we see them as. No more will they be spending countless nights being physically abused and emotionally destroyed by your Common Chad. They will be shown courteous treatment of the highest quality by a true Gentlemen. Instead of Chad taking Stacy out to a restaurant, only to leave her the bill and abandon her that very same night to coitally engage with Veronica, they will be subjected to sublime culinary delights, tender strips selected from the finest breed of Poultry your normie brain could not even begin to comprehend, personelly delivered to my safe haven beneath my mother’s residence, paid for in currency I am earned by doing simple, gentlemenly duties for my beloved Matriarch. And she will euphorically enjoy her meal as I give her the foot massage she had craved for so long, a simple pleasure denied by the very selfish and obsolete mind of Chad. So you see, the next time you seek to inquire if our movement is mere “satire”, You may wish to simply stop. Just stop, and instead of mocking us Gamers, perhaps try, as futile as it may be, to engage in intelligent discussion to the level of our satisfaction. Because you see, their time is coming. The age of the Chad is over. The age of the Gamers is upon us. Gamers Rise Up.
March 2021

Mods, I am truly humbled by the timeou

twitchquotes: Mods, I am truly humbled by the timeout. Due to the stupidity of my actions, I've recognised that I've learned my lesson and will no longer make the same mistake by copying and paste again. Here's to a better chat.
twitch chat
July 2022

MODS

Text-to-Speech Playing