[Copypasta] There's no reason to have a Dad Bod when push ups exist

There's no reason to have a Dad Bod when push ups exist. I'm always finding time to crank out a few p-ups. Ahh yep, I do maybe a thousand p-ups a day and I'm a father of two. Those nerds coloring with crayons? Time to squeeze in a few p-ups. Little dorks eating mac and cheese? It's p-up time. I'm like a leathered marble statue of a really muscular guy, my muscles are so tight and rugged. Hell, I took a p-up break while typing this comment. The ladies at work, these little work ladies, love when I crank out p-ups right there in front of them and come up off the floor red faced and with a sizeable bulge in my slacks. That bulge is unrelated to the p-ups, by the way, I'm just a guy who's always one hard nipple poking through a shirt away from a full meat platter. Hell, I'd cheat on my wife with one of these little work ladies if she wasn't one of the little work ladies I work with. We bone in the bathroom. I get jacked on p-ups and then we bone in the bathroom and there's nothing my boss can do about it because my vascularity is way too intimidating. I tell him he should do some p-ups if he wants to fuck my wife. It's the only way she gets that slizz juiced and loosed. She wants to see multitudinous p-ups and she wants to see those p-ups now! Whoops! Haha, okay, looks like she's watching me type this over my shoulder. Uh oh. See ya later, nerdbags. I'm gonna p-ups myself up to a full plumper and pump that honey ham rump of my little work lady wife.
April 2021
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Jacked off in the shower while laying down in the tub

Jacked off in the shower while laying down in the tub -- shower water raining down from above. It was very nice and ended nicely. Later that day, I went to take a shit. Shit wouldn't come out, and I felt an odd tugging sensation between my ass cheeks. Thought I was dying and started freaking out while I tried to pinch my shit off to investigate. Turns out my jizz had found its way into my ass cheeks while laying down in the tub, mingled with all my ass hair, and solidified into a gelatinous plaster. Upon shitting, the hair was so fucked together that my cheeks couldn't separate for the shit to emerge (felt like that playdoh hair salon toy). I ended up having such a massacre of shitcum on my ass and hands that I had to get back in the shower just to clean off.
December 2020

Never buy a keyboard off a chinese bidding website

twitchquotes: ᴺᵉᵛᵉʳ ᵇᵘʸ ᵃ ᵏᵉʸᵇᵒᵃʳᵈ ᵒᶠᶠ ᵒᶠ ᵃ ᶜʰᶦᶰᵉˢᵉ ᵇᶦᵈᵈᶦᶰᵍ ʷᵉᵇˢᶦᵗᵉ
twitch chat
November 2018

I sexually identify as a Minecraft creeper

twitchquotes: I sexually identify as a Minecraft creeper. Ever since I was a child I dreamed of stalking people in the dead of the night, making an erotic hissing noise, and then spewing my particles all over them. People say to me that a person being a monster in a dying Swedish pixel game is impossible and I’m more autistic than a Fortnite default, but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a doctor fill me with gunpowder and implementing green and black pigments into my skin. From now on I want you guys to call me "Creepus Explodus” and respect my right to appear on retarded children's backpacks and sweaters. If you can’t accept me you’re a mob-phobe and need to check your entity privilege. Thank you all for being so understanding.
twitch chat
March 2019

I sexually Identify as

amongE

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⠁⣠⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣀⣀⠉⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠏⠄⣾⣬⣽⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢿⣿⣆⠈⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢀⣞⡉⢩⣙⣿⡿⠉⠄⣠⣤⠤⠉⠄⠄⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠁⣼⣿⣿⣯⣿⣿⠁⢰⣾⣦⡤⠄⢀⣶⡀⠸⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⢀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⠁⠄⠈⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠇⢸⣿⣿⡟⠛⠃⡠⠄⠄⠄⠈⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⣿⣿⣿⣶⣾⣿⣿⣿⣤⣤⣄⣘⣿⣿⠁⡀⠄⢻⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⢰⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣏⣉⣽⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⢸⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⣼⣿⣁⣸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠟⠉⠙⠋⠹⠟⠁⠄⢸⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⢀⣿⣿⣿⣿⠋⢠⣤⣤⣤⣤⠈⢿⣿⣷⣦⣄⠄⠄⢸⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⠋⣀⣤⣄⣠⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⢹⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⢸⣿⣿⣿ ⣧⠄⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠃⢸⠿⠛⠉⣁⣠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⣼⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣷⣄⣉⠉⠉⢉⣉⣉⣁⣤⣾⡏⠄⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣤⣈⠙⠛⠛⠟⠛⠛⢉⣁⣤⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿
April 2021
Forsen

Among Us / Amogus

Emote

69 is very funny.

Haha 69. It's funny because 69ing, or doing 69, is sharing oral sex with your partner; in other words, it’s giving and receiving oral sex at the same time. Oral sex is when people use their mouths to stimulate another person’s genitals. Oral sex on a woman is called “cunnilingus.” On a man it’s called “fellatio.” Anyone — girl or guy — can give or receive oral sex as long as she or he is comfortable with it and wants to engage in in oral sex. Oral sex cannot cause pregnancy. But it can pass on infections, whether the person is giving or receiving genital stimulation. These infections include gonorrhea, syphilis, chancroid, herpes, hepatitis B, cytomegalovirus, human papilloma virus (HPV), herpes, and, rarely, HIV and chlamydia. Oral sex is generally less risky for these infections than unprotected vaginal or anal sex, but there is still some risk. Using a barrier can reduce the risks. For safer oral sex, use a condom to cover the penis, or a Sheer Glyde dam, cut-open condom, or plastic wrap to cover the vulva or anus. In reference to the sex position, "69" has become an internet meme, where users will respond to any occurrence of the number with the word "nice" and draw specific attention to it. This means to sarcastically imply that the reference to the sex position was intentional. Because of its association with the sex position and resulting meme, "69" has become known as "the sex number" in certain communities.
January 2022

NSFW

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