[Copypasta] There's no reason to have a Dad Bod when push ups exist

There's no reason to have a Dad Bod when push ups exist. I'm always finding time to crank out a few p-ups. Ahh yep, I do maybe a thousand p-ups a day and I'm a father of two. Those nerds coloring with crayons? Time to squeeze in a few p-ups. Little dorks eating mac and cheese? It's p-up time. I'm like a leathered marble statue of a really muscular guy, my muscles are so tight and rugged. Hell, I took a p-up break while typing this comment. The ladies at work, these little work ladies, love when I crank out p-ups right there in front of them and come up off the floor red faced and with a sizeable bulge in my slacks. That bulge is unrelated to the p-ups, by the way, I'm just a guy who's always one hard nipple poking through a shirt away from a full meat platter. Hell, I'd cheat on my wife with one of these little work ladies if she wasn't one of the little work ladies I work with. We bone in the bathroom. I get jacked on p-ups and then we bone in the bathroom and there's nothing my boss can do about it because my vascularity is way too intimidating. I tell him he should do some p-ups if he wants to fuck my wife. It's the only way she gets that slizz juiced and loosed. She wants to see multitudinous p-ups and she wants to see those p-ups now! Whoops! Haha, okay, looks like she's watching me type this over my shoulder. Uh oh. See ya later, nerdbags. I'm gonna p-ups myself up to a full plumper and pump that honey ham rump of my little work lady wife.
April 2021
I used to be a real ad
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Well you see sir, I watch Starcraft

Today my 12 year old and I walked into Harvard to sign him up for college. The dean rudely asked why a 12 year old was signing up for a prestigious institute. My son proclaimed "Well you see sir, I watch Starcraft". The dean tried to apologize but the police rushed in and dragged him out. My son passed all his classes with 4.0s and graduated magnet koom louder on the first day of college.
December 2020

AYAYA pyramid

twitchquotes: ______ AYAYA only real Ayaa can build the perfect pyramid AYAYA AYAYA . Try like me !Try like me ! Try like me !! AYAYA AYAYA AYAYA And my pyramid still higher!!!! AYAYA AYAYA AYAYA AYAYA yes I am very good look!! AYAYA AYAYA AYAYA AYAYA AYAYA one more u say ? AYAYA AYAYA AYAYA AYAYA AYAYA AYAYA for fun ok !!
twitch chat
May 2019

Weebs

Kermit the Frog and the Twin Towers

It is actual Muppets canon that Kermit the Frog, in some way, had a role in bringing down the Twin Towers in the terror attacks of September 11, 2001. In "It's a Very Muppets Christmas Movie," a film released in late 2002, Kermit is shown a glimpse of what New York City might look like if he had never been born. Among the scenery of this alternate reality NYC, we find none other than the Twin Towers proudly standing in the background. They were, of course, long destroyed in Kermit's normal reality. And yet, in the world without Kermit, the war on terror is missing its powder keg spark. Who would've thought that green piece of fuck could kermit a terror attack on US soil, but there it stands unimpeachable... We have concrete, canon proof of involvement. Why the world hasn't stopped and asked further questions is only further proof of a media cabal keeping this conversation away from the masses. The Twin Towers would still be standing if it weren't for Kermit the Frog. Al Qaeda was the puppet this time, and Kermit the hand within.
April 2022

Catch ya in the gym... not

twitchquotes: moon2EZ sup nerds DrinkPurple *sips Monster Energy Drink*. Name's Kyle, and you losers wish you were me. All I need in this world is my sick JUUL Vape pen, a 12 pack of Monsters, and some drywall to punch. I only wear the finest Tapout and Affliction T-shirts and I'm the best fry cook Applebee's has ever had. While you waste away your day on this fucking bald guy's nerd chat, I'll be talking to tons of hot babes on my MetroPCS iPhone. Anyways, stay mad losers, I'm outta here moon2EZ Catch ya in the gym... not
twitch chat
June 2019
MOONMOON

Kniferino to cut off your dongerino

twitchquotes: ᴋʀɪᴘᴘ ᴛʜɪs ɪs ʜᴀғᴜ! ɪ ᴀᴍ ᴄᴏᴍɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴇsɢɴ ᴀs ᴡᴇʟʟ, ᴀɴᴅ ɢᴜᴇss ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪ ᴀᴍ ʙʀɪɴɢɪɴɢ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍᴇ? ᴀ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ᴋɴɪғᴇʀɪɴᴏ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴜᴛ ᴏғғ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴅᴏɴɢᴇʀɪɴᴏ ғᴏʀ ᴄʜᴇᴀᴛɪɴɢ ᴏɴ ᴍᴇ! ɪғ ɪ sᴇᴇ ᴀ sᴜᴄᴄᴜʙᴜs ᴡɪᴛʜ ʏᴏᴜ ɪ ᴀᴍ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ sᴛᴀʀᴛ ᴅᴀᴛɪɴɢ ᴛʀᴜᴍᴘ! ᴅᴏɴᴛ ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ᴍᴇ ᴅᴏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜ. ᴘʟᴢ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ʙᴀᴄᴋ.
twitch chat
April 2014
Kripp
Text-to-Speech Playing