[Copypasta] Tiffany's chandelier

twitchquotes: I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No. I go for the chandelier; it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I love the cold. Thirty years later I get a postcard. I have a son. And he's the Chief of Police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
twitch chat
November 2018
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Angry Bee

twitchquotes: ⣿⣿⡟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠛⠛⠉⠉⠉⠙⠛⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠐⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠛⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⠟⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⠦⣤⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣼⣶⣤⣤⣤⣶⣶⣦⣿⣷⣤⣀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⡄⠙⣿⣿⣶⣤⡾⣫⣿⣿⡿⠟⠋⠉⠉⠀⠀⠈⠉⠉⠙⠲⢤⣀⠀⠙⢿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⡀⢸⣿⡿⣫⣾⣿⡟⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠑⢦⡀⠙⣿⣿ ⣿⡇⢈⡿⢡⣿⣿⠏⠀⠀⢀⣤⣶⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠹⡄⠈⣿ ⣿⡇⢸⡇⣿⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠘⠻⢿⣿⣿⣦⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⡄⠈ ⣿⡀⢸⡇⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠻⣟⢳⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⡶⢢⢰⠀ ⣿⣇⠈⢷⣿⣿⡾⣆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠚⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣶⣿⣿⠷⠼⠇⠂ ⣿⣿⣦⠀⠻⣿⣧⡘⢆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡄⣀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⢰ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣄⠈⠻⣷⣌⢷⣤⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠄ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄⢰⣿⣿⣷⣯⡛⠢⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡀⠔⠁⣤ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⡉⠛⠋⠙⠻⠷⢶⣤⣤⣤⣄⣤⣤⣤⡤⠦⠖⠂⠈⣠⣴⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣤⣄⠀⠺⠿⠿⠟⠋⠁⣀⣤⣴⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿
twitch chat
February 2020

I've won 69 rounds of Fortnite

twitchquotes: 𝓛𝓘𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓷 𝓾𝓹 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓵𝓲𝓽𝓽𝓵𝓮 𝓫𝓲𝓽𝓬𝓱, 𝓲'𝓿𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓮𝓷 𝓽𝓻𝓪𝓲𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓸𝓿𝓮𝓻 90 𝔂𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓼 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓮 𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓽𝓮𝓵𝓵 𝓶𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾'𝓻𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓷 𝓶𝓮? 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓴 𝓪𝓰𝓪𝓲𝓷 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓵𝓲𝓽𝓽𝓵𝓮 𝓹𝓲𝓮𝓬𝓮 𝓸𝓯 𝓼𝓱𝓲𝓽, 𝓲'𝓿𝓮 𝔀𝓸𝓷 69 𝓻𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓼 𝓸𝓯 𝓕𝓸𝓻𝓽𝓷𝓲𝓽𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓵𝓲𝓽𝓽𝓵𝓮 𝓲𝓭𝓲𝓸𝓽. 𝓘'𝓿𝓮 𝔀𝓸𝓷 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓼𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓼 𝓲𝓷 𝓕𝓸𝓻𝓷𝓝𝓲𝓽𝓮, 𝓘 𝓰𝓸𝓽 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓰𝓾𝓷𝓼 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝔀𝓮𝓪𝓹𝓸𝓷𝓼. 𝓨𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓳𝓾𝓼𝓽 𝓪𝓷 𝓲𝓭𝓲𝓸𝓽 𝓼𝔀𝓪𝓽, 𝓫𝓲𝓽𝓬𝓱.
twitch chat
September 2018

Fortnite

I hate, hate, hate coffee culture

I hate, hate, hate coffee culture. I can't stand people saying, "Oh, I can't do anything until I get a warm cup of coffee in me." Shut up. Being a former smoker, I recognize the addiction and subsequent irritability of coffee drinkers and it bugs me to no end that caffeine gets glossed over as an addictive substance, or even fucking celebrated to some extent. Those people who brag about needing 5 expresso shots (sorry, esssspresso) a day need an intervention, not a nod of approval. Seriously, all you coffee drinkers are the biggest group of fucking enablers I've ever seen. When doing group activities, like camping, I loathe waiting for others to start their day after a morning ritual that hogs counter space, or propane, or dirties good clean water. I hate the sleepy look in peoples' eyes as they grasp their cup of stimulant that they wouldn't need had they never started drinking it in the first place. There's an entire fucking cupboard in my kitchen dedicated to stupid coffee mugs and their dumb sayings staring back at me despite living in a household where only one person drinks coffee. Why? And the dishes. Since nearly every person drinks coffee, inevitably us non-coffee drinkers are going to have to clean up after your morning fix. Seriously, I've done so many goddamned cleanings of coffee mugs if I had a dime for every one, I'd probably have enough for a Starbucks franchise. And don't even get me started on Starbucks. Godamned devil business slanging legal crack for decades, hogging good real estate so addicts have a place to slurp up and get their morning shit in before work. Lastly, I despise the amalgam of ways people cook up their black powder and then talk up the flavor as though it tastes like something other than a dirty sock. That's your addiction speaking. You want to know why you need to dump half an udder of cream in your cup? It's because cream is fucking delicious and when combined with your filthy water, makes it somewhat bearable. And your stupid machines that creak and groan through the quietude of my morning can go fuck themselves. Talk about a waste of counter-space. And the spent black stimulant granules that spill over onto the counter, staining the grout drives me nuts. And lastly, the goddamned keurig cups or whatever they're called are one of humanity's worst inventions, sandwiched between Glyphosate and Joe Rogan. At least the meth addicts don't deposit a plastic remnant that will persist in landfills for hundreds of years spreading micro-plastics into our environment every time they need to get high.
September 2021

HotPokket

⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣀⠎⠄⣠⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣦⡲⣄⢄⣀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠤⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡿⣷⢦⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣼⠆⣜⣵⣶⣦⡙⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣽⣿⣦⡀⡂⡀⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⣸⡟⣰⣛⢁⡤⠭⡛⣷⣾⣿⣿⣿⠟⠛⠛⠛⠾⣿⣿⣶⡔⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⢺⠿⣰⣿⣿⣶⣤⣄⣩⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⣛⡛⠻⠷⣿⣿⣿⣗⢲ ⠄⠄⠄⠁⠄⢸⣏⢡⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣌⠄⠸⠄⠄⣸⣿⣿⣿⠈ ⠄⠄⠈⠄⠄⣼⠃⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣯⣻⣿⠿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣾⡆⣻⣿⣿⣿⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠸⡿⠄⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣭⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠃⡿⡇⣿⢹⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠐⠄⡇⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿⣟⣑⣿⣿⣯⣟⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠁⢀⠃⠄⠋⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣏⣻⣿⣿⣿⠇⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠘⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣾⣿⣿⡏⠄⠄⠄⠄⠠⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠂⠄⠄⠠⡀⠈⠻⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠿⠟⠄⠄⠄⢠⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠄⠄⠄⠄⠉⠉⠉⠉⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠨⠢⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠠⠄⠠⠚⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄
December 2018

Lieutenant Clitt Nippley of the Greek Army

twitchquotes: Dear Kripp, this is lieutenant Clitt Nippley of the Greek Army. It has come to our attention that you've been 'BroFisting' many of our citizens against their will. If you continue this, I have full authority to launch a nuclear attack against you and your evil 5 dollar club. You've been warned.
twitch chat
November 2014
Kripp
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