good news, my sisters pregnant! i'm going to be a .... uncle, you thought i was going to say Dad but i stopped banging my sister years ago
Waiting for adblock to be disabled
More Copypastas
You toss and turn as Elon gently rubs your shoulders
You toss and turn as Elon gently rubs your shoulders. "You seem a little tense" says Elon, as you look at your bank account. Your phone shows $107 left to your name. You think to yourself while Elon rubs you down, you pull open Robin Hood, type in TSLA. Leaps $900 JAN 2023' are only $1 you can afford 1 leap. This is finally your chance to get rich, you'll be able to actually buy a Tesla. You ask Elon what the next Tesla will be. He says "U, for 'you'" as he smiles sweetly. You picture him dancing on stage explaining U S3XY to everyone multiple times as you smile back at him.
All of a sudden Elon flips on the TV to CNBC to catch the tail end of Jim Cramer, you see a new law has been passed, "we believe options have inflated the markets into a bubble, we will be imposing a new rule next week only allowing accounts that qualify for day trades to also purchase options with a $25,000 barrier to entry."
You start weeping aloud, you feel a caring hand wipe your tear away, it's Elon again, "what's wrong my little X'√π3?"
Suddenly you wake, you're in a pool of sweat, at first you panic about the new options policy, then you're filled with relief realizing that options aren't restricted it was all a dream.
You realize this was actually a vision to earn 200,000% gains to buy a TSLA leap. You log into RH, it welcomes you with your $107 balance, you plug in TSLA yolo 2023 @ $900 and realize the options are actually $20 each. The best you can do is $900 TSLA weekly expiring around Christmas.
In a slight fit of despair you try to remember the feeling of Elon rubbing your cheek, and rub one out onto your stomach, then roll over back to sleep. A single tear rolls from your eye into your waifu pillow.
YOLO you whisper.
WallStreetBets
Sad Crewmate
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣤⣴⣶⣶⣶⣶⣤⣤⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣾⣿⠟⠛⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠙⠛⢷⣦⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣴⣿⡿⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢻⣿⣷⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⠁⠀⠀⢀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣼⣿⣿⣿⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⣿⡟⠀⠀⢰⣿⣿⣷⣦⣀⠀⠀⣀⣠⣴⣿⣿⠟⢿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⢀⣴⠟⢻⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⠛⠁⠀⢸⣿⠇⠀⠀⠀⠀
⣴⠟⠁⠀⢸⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠈⢿⣿⣅⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣾⠏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⡿⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⠻⢿⣷⣦⣤⣤⣀⣀⣠⣴⡿⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⡇⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠛⠛⠛⠛⠻⣿⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⡇⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⡇⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⡇⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⢻⣶⣤⣤⣾⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣷⣶⡶⠂⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠉⠉⠙⠛⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⢹⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣆⠀⠀⠀⢀⣿⣿⠸⢿⣷⣄⣀⣀⣴⣿⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣿⣿⣶⣤⣴⣾⣿⠋⠀⠀⠉⠛⠛⠛⠛⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠉⠙⠛⠋⠁⠀
Among Us / Amogus
Old town road
twitchquotes:
I got the horses🐴 in the back🔙 😌 Horse🐴 tack is attached👌 Hat 🤠is matte black👨🏿 Got the boots👢 that’s black👶🏿 to match🤝 Ridin’ on a horse🐴, ha🤣 You👨🏿🌾 can whip 😜👊your Porsche🚗 I been in the ⛰️valley⛰️👉👌 You ain’t 🙅♂️been up👆 off the porch🏠😴, now Can’t nobody tell🗣️ me🤠 nothin’❌
twitch chat
Emoji Pasta
jeSUS
So, last Sunday my parents made me go to church ,which made me really mad because my parents don't let me play Among Us in church.
We took our seats and the priest was up front talking about "salvation" and "holiness" or whatever. Same thing as last week.
But then, he said something that really caught me off guard. He spoke of a man who goes by the name of "Jesus."
"Jesus."
"JeSUS."
No way. I could not believe what I was hearing.
Endorphins were rushing to my brain and my body began to shiver as I let out a quiet moan.
If you didn't catch on by now, the word "Jesus" has "SUS" in it, which is a reference to the popular video game "Among Us."
"WHEN THE IMPOSTER IS SUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I screamed louder than I ever have in my life. My words echoed throughout the room for five seconds before fading into complete silence.
Everyone was staring at me as I had a huge grin on my face, perfectly replicating the face from the "when the imposter is sus" meme (Google it if you don't know what it is.)
They all had this look on their faces as if I had just slaughtered 7,924 Afghanian children.
"Why do you all have that look on your faces? Did someone do a Fortnite dance?"
And there was still complete silence. I actually had to make sure I wasn't wearing my noise cancelling headphones that I always wear while playing Among Us. I could not believe that not one person in the room was dying of laughter!!
"Young man, please be quiet" said the priest.
He was literally the one who made the Among Us reference in the first place. What's his problem?
"THAT'S NOT VERY WHOLESOME!!!!!!!!!!"
This guy was definitely the imposter. There's no way he couldn't be.
I Naruto ran faster than anyone has ever Naruto ran before. Even Naruto himself would be proud of me.
As I was making my way up to the imposter, the security guard was chasing after me!
I had to think fast.
After being chased around the room for two minutes, I hastily undid my pants and peed in the security guard's eyes. As he was being blinded by my pee, he was stumbling around and bumped into the wall very hard.
A crucifix fell off the wall and impaled his stupid, ugly fat head. He fell and a pool of blood soon formed around him.
Everyone in the church was screaming and running out the door. I slammed my hand down on the crucifix, replicating the button you press in Among Us, which drove the crucifix further into his skull.
"EMERGENCY MEETING!!!!!!!!!!!"
No one laughed. They were too busy screaming to notice. Whatever.
I stripped completely naked and went up to the priest. I replicated the Big Chungus pose with 100% accuracy.
"You probably don't even use Reddit. That's not very keanu chungus wholesome 100 of you. Go subscribe to r/atheism."
The priest had a look of shock on his face when I said that. The kind of face one would make if they caught their beloved child playing Fortnite.
He held a cross in front of himself and started talking about "possession" and "demons." He obviously doesn't know how to play Among Us so naturally, I felt bad for him.
But he was still the imposter.
I grabbed him and threw him across the church, sending him crashing through the window and slammed against the street outside. A car ran over his head, causing his brain and skull fragments to splatter everywhere.
Then, I heard sirens and a helicopter flying around above the church. I went upstairs to the roof to check out what was going on.
"This is the police! Get down from the roof now or we will shoot!"
This guy is so sus, let me tell ya.
Obviously, I was not going to listen to an imposter so I was Naruto running around the roof. Bullets from the helicopter were raining down from above but none of them hit me since I was Naruto running so fast.
"Dammit, I can't hit him!"
I knew I had him beat then.
So, I pulled out my gun (I always keep a glock in my foreskin so I can pull the Among Us death animation when I lose my virginity because I know it makes girls horny.)
I shot at the helicopter and it started spinning out of control and crashed into the front of the church, causing a huge explosion.
The roof started sliding off from the building, which landed on the cop cars and killed 8 cops. This also flung me into the street and I broke my foot, which was very sus.
I limped all the way to the woods where I am now hiding and writing this. I will update as soon as I can but I need to get out of here soon because I can hear people looking for me.
Among Us / Amogus
THATS RIGHT IM TALKING ABOUT EU LUL
twitchquotes:
OUR TEETH ARE EWWWWW 
THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH US ARE FEW SJOKZ IS THE ONLY GOOD THING TO VIEW THATS RIGHT IM TALKING ABOUT EU
THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH US ARE FEW SJOKZ IS THE ONLY GOOD THING TO VIEW THATS RIGHT IM TALKING ABOUT EU
twitch chat
Riot Games