I have noticed that, although this planet has 3.8 billion women, I have not had sex 3.8 billion times. I'm not sure if this is being done intentionally or if these "friends" are forgetting to 'fuck' me. Either way, I've had enough. I have compiled a spreadsheet of individuals who have "forgotten" to 'fuck' me in my recent years. After 2 consecutive strikes, your name is automatically highlighted (shown in red) and I am immediately notified. 3 consecutive strikes and you can expect an in-person "consultation". Think about your actions.
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How I got into Harvard
Many people always ask me how I was able to get into Harvard as a 16 year old who skipped 3 grades of high school. They think I got in because of my scholarly records, but no the key is the interview.
As I sat in the Harvard Dean's office in front of the board of reviewers for my application, the Dean asks me "Why should you be a good candidate for this school?" They seemed bored but I replied "Well I was born a child prodigy, placed 1st in my state spelling bee for three consecutive years, I can speak eight different languages not counting Latin, play four different instruments, I skipped grades 4 through 6, and graduated my high school as valedictorian at the age of 14. I then worked as an intern at both Telsa, and NASA." Suddenly the room burst into laughter and many of board instantly started scribbling down "No" near the application check marks. The Dean says "Sorry but you are just not the type we are looking for." But then I said "Excuse me but I wasn't finished... I watch Rick and Morty" The Dean looked at me like an idiot and said "So....?" Then I replied with a smile "And I understand all the references and subtle jokes" An audible gasp let out by the board was so loud the secretary had to come in. You could hear a pin drop and then suddenly all at once the entire board clicked their pens on the "Approved Box" and I was instantly handed a diploma and now I'm teaching advanced physicals there. I guess you can say I'm pretty smart. 
Rick and Morty
Reynad and Lea
twitchquotes:
ＲＥＹＮＡＤ ＡＮＤ ＬＥＡ ＳＩＴＴＩＮ ＯＮ Ａ ＤＥＣＫ, Ｗ - Ｅ - Ｌ - Ｌ - Ｍ - Ｅ - Ｔ
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Reynad
I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps
twitchquotes:
Trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable *** off the face of the continent, you little ***. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your *** tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will *** fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re *** dead, kiddo.
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imaqtpie
Hi, my name is Artour Babaev
twitchquotes:
Hi, my name is Artour Babaev, I was born on south russia, in a small farm of Salt, my entire life was all about salt, I would farm salt with my father rino, in fact, my life was so full of salt, my friends named me "PPD", until some gang of Spooky Scary Skeletons killed him. To this day, I vowed to kill all skeltons to avenge my father, dont cpy pastarino my storyno
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SingSing
Become one with the awkward
twitchquotes:
Ｗｈｅｎ Ｒｅｙｎａｄ ｄａｒｅ， ｍｙ ｐａｌｍ ａｕｔｏｍａｔｉｃａｌｌｙ ｇｏ ｔｏ ｆａｃｅ． Ｉ ｂｅｃｏｍｅ ｏｎｅ ｗｉｔｈ ｔｈｅ ａｗｋｗａｒｄ， ａｎｄ ｃｒｉｎｇｅ． Ｐｌｓ ｎｏ ｃｏｐｙｐａｓｔｅｒｉｎｏ．
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Reynad